Rantings from a jet-lagged mind

(Apologies in advance, I have just landed after a 16 hour flight and feel like someone spiked my water with Valium. I dont know what I am about to type)

The holy grail of the Falshpacker is to upgrade to Business class on a long haul flight. Unfortuantely I didnt manage to pull it off, nor have I ever. What I did manage to upgrade to was the front of economy, or the wall that seperates business from cattle. Great, more leg room, no seat in front that reclines into your abdomen and your own telly on the wall. Well, not so great as it is the preferred seating for parents and small infants, or 'bassinet' class.

A nightmare to some? Two 20 mil Valiums and later the small, drooling baby that was playing with my hair from the seat next to me had turned from potential plane rage statistic to little angel. For the rest of the flight I smiled like a junkie everytime he threw himself on my lap.

After I woke from my drug enhaced stupor (slightly bruised) I began to think about the degredation of flying economy. For a start, its not that cheap. $3700 to be placed like a battery hen next to other battery hens. No leg room, shit food and boring company.

If I owned an airline I would collate passanger information such as height, weight, career, realtionship status and favourite band. I would group people together so at least you could have a good yarn, perhaps even find a job or loved one, so that the torturous experience of economy is momentarily dulled.

Flying economy puts me in a negative mood, so here goes my rant. People on planes suck. They push everyone out of the way to get on and when they get on they realise that they will be in the same seat for a whole day. So they start to fidget. I always seem to sit in front of a guy who has to play with the tray table. Up and down, up and down for the whole flight. Then when the seatbelt sign is turned off everyone gets up and goes to the loo. This ritual of tray table obsession and lavatory queing continues all night, then they all try and rush off the plane before its even at the gate. Makes me wonder with the complete chaos getting on and off in a normal situation, what it would be like if the engines where on fire and everyone was making a run for the emergency exits? Probably shouldnt think about that.

Worse is the food.

When I bought the ticket, I had the option to fly the A380 Superjumbo which I gleefully accepted. According to Michelle at Flight Centre Bondi Rd, males get very excited about the chance to fly the A380, which I was. However my interest only stemmed from my complete confusion in the engineering. I mean, how the fuck does a plane this big get off the ground? And why did I want to get on it, to test if it would or wouldnt?

Anyway, the A380 has a state of the art in flight entertainment system and whilst my chair was banging back and forth from thanks to the compulisve tray table fidgeter behind me, I came across the 'de-stress' section. In it, it explains how turbulence is 'really normal' and that due to the changes in cabin pressure, passengers tend to feel 'bloated and uncomfortable'. Thats bullshit, its the plane food and that fact your guts are being shaken around by the turbulence.

Economy sucks. I need to sleep.