Ottawa: Canada's Canberra

This goes out to A.J...

I am born and bred Canberra (the Berra). I grew up in the southern suburbs of Tuggeranong (Tuggers), went to School at St. Edmunds Catholic Boys (Eddies) and drank my teens away in Manuka (Maaans).

Today I went to Ottawa, the capital of Canada. Why should this be exciting? Good question.

Ottawa is the unknown Capital, just like the Berra. It was one of the capitals you could never guess in a geography exam (but really should have known). When you are overseas, ask anyone the capital of Australia, if they answer Sydney punch them, answer Melbourne spit on them and buy them a beer if they guess the mighty Berra.

If you are fortunate enough to have grown up in a nations capital you understand the mentality of other capital inhabitants, especially those in an unknown capital of a famous country. Even better when they are both equally hated by the rest of the country for being boring, full of public servants (pubes) and well, boring.

I understand why people hang shit on the Berra. But its clean, pleasantville-esque, family friendly veneer hides a very smutty city. Prostitutes (prozzies), porn stars (porn stars), pushers (wankers), spies (spooks) and politicians (pollies) rub shoulders and everything else on each other every night of the week. I have seen more craziness in the Berra than I have seen in most of my world travels. The people there are scary, probably because there isnt much to do. Canberrans make their own fun.

Could Ottawans be of the same ilk? Unfortunately I had only six hours in Ottawa so unless a politically led, perverse sex cult was abducting visiting Aussies at Ottawa Central, I wasn't going to be able to rub Ottawa's underbelly.

So armed the presumptive attitude that Ottawa was going to be totally boring yet mysteriously sexy and with a willingnes to patronise, I took the train to Canada's Capital.

First impression werent great. Like Canberras train station which sits in an industrial park in Kingston (Kingo), Ottawa Central was in the center of nowhere. There were 4 people in the main hall. Its surrounded by a depressing suburbia and worst, its only has buses in and out if it. ( I have to note here that when I lived in London I had a recurring nightmare that I was stuck on a Canberra Action bus and couldnt get off it...ever. Which means I couldnt get back to London, thus my fear of capitals with bus-only cities)

Already regretting my decision to visit, I headed for the city and was instantly surprised. It was beautiful. You cant escape the feeling of the French Canadien influences in everything. Even though it only has 50 or so years on Canberra, its buildings appear hundreds of years older thanks to the architects who copied the ski Chateau look on every Government structure. Everything is written in both English and French. Ottawa made me wish that Napolean carried out his planned invasion of Australia and that Canberra got some French architects after the war.

However on closer inspection it seemed the town planners got a bit confused with what the city was meant to be as Ottawa is more war memorial than city. Massive monuments to WW1 and 2, Lest We Forget' shrines bear down on the streets and an enormous Queen Victoria statue keeps a watchful eye over her colonies.

Surrounded by memorials it semmed appropriate to check out the War Museum, and it quickly struck me that Canada and Australia share nearly identical war histories. Walking in was like being teleported to the War Memorial in the Berra. The stories of both courage and annihilation were the same...we fought along side each other, got mowed down by the Germans together and as both countries were famous for being British canon fodder for most of the worlds conflicts, blindly sacrificed our best and brightest young men for King and country. They even have their own Gallipoli, the battle of Vimy Ridge.

One thing Ottawa has over the Berra is its totally geared for tourism. Sure, you arrive scared but its full of walking tour info stops, tour buses and the Tourist Information place sits right across the road from the Parliament. Plus its a walkable city. Like the Parliamentary triangle in Canberra but smaller and with stuff to see. If you tried to walk around Canberra you would die of either exhaustion or boredom, most likely boredom.

The Berra is full of heroin addicts (junky scum), Ottawa is full of bums. Bums everywhere, on every street corner. And like Canberra, its full of blokes and not many women. Go figure.

The two capitals reflect the cultural cringe that exists in both nations. Without the rich history and culture of European ancestory, both countries have to cling to recent history for credibility. Thus the uber-monuments of state, business and memorial. Australia and Canada's capitals try to prove themselves as abundant, free and eager to carry the wounds of the war time past, rather than acknowledge their darker periods of history.

So as a Canberran, an Australian and citizen of the Commonwealth, I have always qualifed to draw parallels and hang shit on the Berra. And now I have free reign over Ottawa, without repercussion.

Best of all was that I got upgraded (by computer glitch) to 1st class on the train back to Monters. Pure fuckin luxury.